COUNTRY and WESTERN

I am really having a problem with my family turning on me.  They like COUNTRY AND WESTERN - we had to watch Blake Shelton's Christmas Special last week - even the entire bottle of wine I drank couldn't drown out the TWANGY Southern accents ruining Christmas Classics! Guests included that "REBA" who is why I hate country music to begin with.

Rule number 1 - Don't try to match your red hair to your red dress because your hair isn't red its Ronald McDonald orange.

I think what bugs me most is not the repetitive and BORING lyrics about beer, dogs, Jack Daniels, Jesus, God, pick up trucks and red solo cups but its the outfits (see above - what the fuck is that), the hair and the makeup (see below) is that some sort of scary doll that always looks the same? Seriously Google Carrie Underwood (if you just start typing C - her name comes up) then click on images and look at the pictures of her - they are ALL THE SAME.

I really like my good old fashioned rock and roll where you really can't understand the lyrics so you just scream something similar out and the MALE rockers are the only ones with great HAIR!

I do love Cowboy boots (well and and Cowboys for that matter)  If you want to give someone a GREAT Christmas gift - Alcala's in the city - great selection of very cool and unique cowboy boots.  Don't browse around - just head straight to the boots - its one of those places where you could find yourself getting into it and thinking... "this turquoise bolo tie is kind of cool -  I'd wear this right? "



ROCK ON!

Are we going to have to go through 9 months of daily nonsense regarding Kate Middleton's pregnancy? I'm having morning sickness watching this BORING news!

VANITY PLATES

So, I'm not a fan of vanity plates because they are SO DUM.  I am also not a fan of plastering your car with magnetic stickers that tell people about you (or your super duper athletic kids).  People say that they put the soccer club sticker on their car to support the club....  okay then why do you have 3 of the same sticker????  Oh because you have 3 kids on the super all star soccer team!   U ROCK X 3

Back to vanity plates - tonight I saw the most (and first) hilarious license plate - it was on a minivan and it says  "WE CAVED" - I laughed for an hour.   If anyone knows these people, have them call me for a free drink (without the little people who ride in the minivan)

Personalizing things I can be great!  I love giving people monogrammed items for gifts - its always a big hit.  Last year I gave my husband a cute beer glass that says douchebag on it - he loves it - he uses it all the time and when I look at him drinking out of it I just think... YUP.

This Christmas I am giving my in-laws big monogrammed canvas totes from Land's End filled with gifts for the kids.  Totes and cosmetic bags always need replacing so its a nice personal gift.   Get them ordered now - they take a little longer!

Blogging from the Bulls game and can I say 3 words about the Luvables (the "cheerleaders"). WHITE TRASH DISTRACTION - wow

THE OSCARS

I'm not a big fan of "ball gowns" which is what most people think they have to wear to the Oscars. I am pretty sure that most of them are blackmailed into wearing what they are wearing because why in the world else?
And also, these "stylists" need some major styling themselves. I think I am going to start a new business where I style the stylists that style the stars.  The stylist who dressed Melissa McCarthy should be SHOT... "um, okay so I have a full figured girl and I know that a black v-neck is very slenderizing but I think this time we'll go with the Miss Piggy PINK dress that matches her skin perfectly with a high jeweled neck to give her no shape at all - and lets throw in a belt that solve everything! WOW. 

  

Here is what I love...
1. Cameron Diaz - her hair is kick ass - considering it for myself.  We'll see if I get the courage up.
2. Gweneth - this dress is amazing and classy and if I could own it, I would.  Considering the knock off.




Thank God we don't have to worry about what to wear to the OSCARS!  What a drag.

Coming soon...
Why Freshmen girls go to a School Dance looking like a...

STAND BY YOUR MAN

As long as he is not dressed like a complete idiot, I will stand by him.  If he wears baggy Levi's with gym shoes and a lumberjack shirt than I feel I have every right to walk way behind him (at the airport) and pretend that I don't know him (when he is talking to me in line.) 

For Valentine's Day, go though your man's closet and HELP him (Or hire me and I'll do the dirty deed for you)  Here are some tips for guys:

1. Baggy legged jeans are a big NO NO.  You look like a fat little man.  Straight leg are the best and most flattering.  I like Seven For All Mankind ("Sevens")
2. Men in black (not men in BROWN) not a fan of men in autumn colors - really unsophisticated and reminds me of some old sales guys I used to work in the western suburbs.
3. Gym shoes are for the gym.  Thats a good rule for everyone.  This includes the metro "sneakers" great if you are Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise but otherwise avoid.  I like a casual loafer - same comfort - better look.
4. Pleated trousers....  try a flat front trouser - very streamlined and flattering.
5. Sports jerseys - seriously that is creepy unless you are an actual football player then bring it on and come to mama!
6. The pinstripe suit.  Great for PIMPS and THE JOKER but they are cheesy and I really don't care if you had it custom made.  And lets talk for a moment about the loser guys who have to tell me about their custom suits (and you won't let your wife get her nails done you big cheap ass). Custom suits are for men with special needs (like they are 7' tall or they have an extremely small penis)

LOVES
Football Sunday - Jeans & thermal henley tucked out, leather or suede jacket.
Saturday Night - Dark jeans, a great print shirt, black cashmere blazer
Work - Gray suit, blue shirt, fun tie with blues and purples, black alligator belt
Formal - Black suit, white shirt, sophisticated tie with grays and blacks - or a tux - yummy!

Last 2 tips:
Simplify.  I love a guy in a crisp white shirt, black cashmere blazer, straight jeans and a sharp black loafer.
Shower. It takes 3 minutes- just do it.

PS
And Girls the shower thing applies to you too.  No guy wants to come home at 7 from working all day (with hot young co-workers) to a woman who spent the whole day in sweats and still hasn't showered.

Some people need a stylist.... Meryl Streep - shit you are really wearing a walgreen hair claw clip thing? Thats really something

As usual nicole kidman looks awful and dumb!

So far my favorite is Kate Winslet and now forget her - Heidi Klum wins... So far

SAY NOOOO to the mermaid dress - seriously - it is so ridiculous looking!

Brad pitts hair - as bad as mine! And mine is real bad. And as a reminder ANGELINA - white shows lumps even when you are skinny!

Watching the Golden Globes ,,, I'm tweeting my thoughts to my blog stay tuned. Lots of light pink on very fair skin...

GO TO ELLE

Okay so here is Elle McBITCH in People Magazine. The article is titled "She Used To Look So Hot Way Back Then But Now She is 47 So We Had To Pull Out These OLD PHOTOS Of When She Was 20!"

I'm kidding, she really is 47 which is older than me so thank you for taking away that excuse ELLE!

I'm going to go for a long RUN now like for days and I am going to cry while running and then I'm going to down a bottle of wine or 2.  I hate you but you do look really friendly and HOT so maybe I'll trying to be more friendly.   I really am HAPPY for HER - good job of looking so good - WOW that's amazing.  Cheers to you ELLE and Happy New Year.  What's your resolution?  Not to look so HOT? 

I'm going to paste this picture to my bathroom mirror to remind me...to smile even when I'm running
(the 100 mile run that I just signed up for)

Just heard some news that YOGA is bad for some people. Yeah you think? Falling asleep while "working out" can be dangerous - big surprise.

WORKOUT WEAR

I know that this is that time of year when everyone decides that they need to start (or increase) working out.  New Years resolutions... blah blah blah.  So they rush over to Lululemon and stock up on all of their uncomfortable workout gear so that they look good in the "gym". I went into lululemon once and had a great workout (in the fitting room  - not in their freaky yoga class held in the middle of the store)

Let me say a few things about this experience. I'm a size 2 or a 4 - I don't get hung up on sizes - I'll wear a large in anything if I love it.  So, I grab a 4 pant, a 4 tank thing with a built in bra (which I don't need) and a jacket.  By the time I walked out of there, I bought a SIZE 8 pant (which I never wear because they are too tight and give me a camel toe!) I didn't get the tank (because I got stuck in it and may have even ripped it) or matching "jacket" (because jackets are supposed to go over something and this thing aint going over anything including my double a's)

So, a couple of take aways here:
1. Why does any store size their workout clothes in 0,2,4,6, etc what the fuck is that all about? Its spandex can't you just be like a small, medium or large?
2. Aren't workout clothes supposed to be comfortable?  I love the women who say they love this shit because its so comfortable.  LIARS - they love it because everyone else loves it and they bought into the hype and now they have to say how comfy it is.  In my pilates class, we've got half the class in the tangerine short sleeve and the other in the blue tank thing (BARF) and I'm proudly in the front with my whatever pants and a Harley tank.

Here's what I like
1. Find some great workout clothes and who cares if they are Russell sweats  (GASP now)
2. Any tank or tee can be used for a workout (I know can you believe this) I wear an old graphic tees
3. I love to take sweaters that I don't love anymore and "repurpose" (that trendy word that Nate Berkus uses way to much) and waer it over your work out clothes - then you can run errands after and not look like a loser in your workout clothes ALL DAY LONG.

Oddly, I have the worst and oldest workout gear in the world (and I do workout daily) but people always comment on my outfit.  HELLOOOO its not that they are "cute workout clothes", its just that they are different.

P.S.
As a sidebar, I can't stand  people who have to have all the right "gear" for every physical activity.  They have their gym shoes custom-made to their "special" feet. NO ONE I know is that big of an athlete that the  "gear" makes any difference and it makes them look ridiculous.  Just whip on something that you already own and go for a run outside.  Enjoy a FREE workout.

BEER DRINKING FOR THE NEW YEAR

Soooo, in my last post I told you that I was going to start drinking beer in the new year.  See, I drink alot and I have decided that all those calories aren't great for the bod so I had the brilliant idea of switching from my caloric red wine to light beer.

Upon further research
1. Drink 8 Becks Lights (64 calories - wow!)
2. Have no buzz at all and feel bloated
3. Google alcohol content in light beer and find out that its 2.8% alcohol

2.8 % - SHIT thats LESS alcohol than you get when you go to Utah and have to put up with all of their freaky Mormon alcohol rules (you can have multiple wives because you will need them on our own planet someday but alcohol is bad)  REALLY, the person making up those rules was clearly smoked!

SO, the finding is sure its less calories but not when you have to drink a 12 pack to get to that happy place.  And why would you drink that yeast invested liquid unless it had some fun result?

Gotta run and grab a glass of cab... Cheers!

SKI FASHION

Who besides my mother wears her fur coat, cashmere leggings and kick ass boots to the top of Vail mountain and struts around? Claudia Schiffer does and I'll bet by the end of this trip that my mom (chatty sandy) and she will be BFFs. I didn't recognize her and I know I should since she is a model but I lost touch with her when she married that magician.

What ever happened to wearing jeans, a cute hat and sun glasses skiing? Now everyone is wearing unflattering boarder gear, goggles, and helmets you can ever find your own family on the hill. Last year we did Aspen which on the other hand was outrageously trendy (gaudy) and impractical - are you really skiing in that or just walking your stupid fucking dog everywhere (inside restaurants) dogs like small children should be not seen and not heard. Supposedly All of the famous people were there but You couldn't tell who was who due to all of the wannabes.

Looks that I am seeing on the slopes ( I'll try to get some pics)
Snow boarder dude - dreadlocks, no shower (for months) and a backpack with water in it
White coat girl - fur trimmed, pink lipstick, tight black pants- can't ski
Fatso sport guy - a football jersey over a coat - neat look bubba
The matchy matcherton - everything matches - go muffy go

Coming next

New year resolutions and why I am going to start drink beer

CROWD PLEASERS

I'm always looking for the easiest way to please a crowd.  In cooking I like to find the shortest recipe that will yeild the most compliments.  When a recipe starts with "in one bowl" I move along becuse that means there is going to be "another bowl" and that is way too complicated for someone with adult A.D.D.  So, I'm going to fess up with my seafood bisque recipe because so many have asked for it and its embarrassingly easy:

SUZY SHORTCUT'S seafood bisque

3 cups seafood (I use shrimp, scallops, and real crab)

1 can of each of the folllowing soups

    - cream of shrimp (can only find at the grand)

    - cream of potato 

    - cream of mushroom

    - tomato bisque

5 oz sherry- or more

1 qt half and half

1 small onion minced

pepper to taste

precook seafood until barely underdone (it will continue to cook in the soup) 

add the rest of the ingredients and cook until done

better if you make it a day or 2 ahead and keep in fridge

serves 10-12 - I always double the recipe

I also have some great crowd pleasers in my wardrobe. I am consistently stopped and asked about my...

FRYE BOOTS: 

Jane Tall in Taupe -best $400 ever spent - get them on Zappos

VINTAGE COIN NECKLACE:

I can sell them off of my neck in New York - sold exclusively at Gray

VINTAGE FUR VEST:

It's a long fur coat with no sleeves - got it at LuLu's at the Belle Cay in the city

MAN SIZED WATCH:

I started with the Michael Kors (5 of them) but now everyone is onto those so now I like my TW Steel

GUCCI BAG

Its the cutest small bag with a long gold chain stap - perfect for phone, lipgloss and cash. Bought by my hubbie in Vegas - he doesn't understand why Gucci is so expensive... whatever THANKS!

SO, look for some unique things that are special.  Vintage things are great - go through your Mom's old stuff (before your sisters do) and grab an old pin or necklace.  I know that being unique is scarry for many of you. You like to be the same as all of your friends so you shop at Cusp or Neiman Marcus or LuLu Lemon so that you can have the same things as all of your friends but don't be afraid people will still like you.

DON'T DO THIS

If you feel a little sad around the holidays - that is normal.  Lots of people feel sad around the holidays so they just drink alot forgetting that alcohol is a depressant so they feel worse so they drink more because of the "hair of the dog" trick (which really works - I found that out one Mother's day when I was under the impression that Mother's day meant get drunker than a MOTHER the night before the Sunday brunch and then try to not throw up at the country club.  Anyway - 3 Bloody Mary's later and this MOTHER felt GREAT again) 

I digress - back to feeling sad in the holidays... many of us have lost loved ones and the memories of these people crop up and we miss them more during the holidays.

So, if you are feeling a little sad DON'T take a bottle of red wine down to your basement and start going through old boxes of pictures and photo albumns because all you will do is spend the DAY down there crying like a baby and get even more behind on all the things you have to do.

2 BEST BUDS:

(My Dad -grandpa Nick- and my son Gray at age 2 - he's 16 now). Miss you Dad.

PARTY WHORES

These are the people who spend their holidays bouncing from party to party.  It is exhausting to be so popular.  If they get invited to 8 parties in one night - by god they will get to all 8.  I have determined that these people are so insecure that they can't possibly miss one.  Maybe they think that people will be talking behind their backs, maybe they want to feel "popular", or maybe they just don't have the social graces to accept one invite and decline the other ones because they already have plans.  But thats a big risk because what if the other parties were more fun????

If you are the first party, the PW's (party whores) will show up right on time (or annoyingly early) and remind you immediately thay can only stay a short time because they have to scoot off to another party because "its my husband's sister's neice's cousin and we really feel like we should be there - so sorry..."  They nervously jump around the party trying to get a word into every guest and letting them know their plight (a few other parties to hit).

If you are the last party, the PW's show up, you are bombed and they are a huge buzz kill. "sorry we're late... where should we put our coat... do you have any water... we brought you a little gift"  Listen assholes I don't know who you are right now - I forgot that you were even coming. SOOOO lets catch up over a coffee so that I can remember the interesting conversation about the other parties that you were at, what they had to eat, who all was there and what they wore but NOT NOW, and I was lip syncing to "don't stop believin'" so join on in and shut the fuck up.

Guess what...I'm tallking behind your back and so is every host of the 8 parties that you attended.  But hey, you are popular so... enjoy that and post a bunch of party pics on your facebook. 

Coming soon to Laura Says...
People who don't RSVP because they are just "not good" at that.  These are the same people who "don't do" thank you notes.  Ironically all of these people grew up in a trailer park.  Coincidence?