SKI FASHION

Who besides my mother wears her fur coat, cashmere leggings and kick ass boots to the top of Vail mountain and struts around? Claudia Schiffer does and I'll bet by the end of this trip that my mom (chatty sandy) and she will be BFFs. I didn't recognize her and I know I should since she is a model but I lost touch with her when she married that magician.

What ever happened to wearing jeans, a cute hat and sun glasses skiing? Now everyone is wearing unflattering boarder gear, goggles, and helmets you can ever find your own family on the hill. Last year we did Aspen which on the other hand was outrageously trendy (gaudy) and impractical - are you really skiing in that or just walking your stupid fucking dog everywhere (inside restaurants) dogs like small children should be not seen and not heard. Supposedly All of the famous people were there but You couldn't tell who was who due to all of the wannabes.

Looks that I am seeing on the slopes ( I'll try to get some pics)
Snow boarder dude - dreadlocks, no shower (for months) and a backpack with water in it
White coat girl - fur trimmed, pink lipstick, tight black pants- can't ski
Fatso sport guy - a football jersey over a coat - neat look bubba
The matchy matcherton - everything matches - go muffy go

Coming next

New year resolutions and why I am going to start drink beer

CROWD PLEASERS

I'm always looking for the easiest way to please a crowd.  In cooking I like to find the shortest recipe that will yeild the most compliments.  When a recipe starts with "in one bowl" I move along becuse that means there is going to be "another bowl" and that is way too complicated for someone with adult A.D.D.  So, I'm going to fess up with my seafood bisque recipe because so many have asked for it and its embarrassingly easy:

SUZY SHORTCUT'S seafood bisque

3 cups seafood (I use shrimp, scallops, and real crab)

1 can of each of the folllowing soups

    - cream of shrimp (can only find at the grand)

    - cream of potato 

    - cream of mushroom

    - tomato bisque

5 oz sherry- or more

1 qt half and half

1 small onion minced

pepper to taste

precook seafood until barely underdone (it will continue to cook in the soup) 

add the rest of the ingredients and cook until done

better if you make it a day or 2 ahead and keep in fridge

serves 10-12 - I always double the recipe

I also have some great crowd pleasers in my wardrobe. I am consistently stopped and asked about my...

FRYE BOOTS: 

Jane Tall in Taupe -best $400 ever spent - get them on Zappos

VINTAGE COIN NECKLACE:

I can sell them off of my neck in New York - sold exclusively at Gray

VINTAGE FUR VEST:

It's a long fur coat with no sleeves - got it at LuLu's at the Belle Cay in the city

MAN SIZED WATCH:

I started with the Michael Kors (5 of them) but now everyone is onto those so now I like my TW Steel

GUCCI BAG

Its the cutest small bag with a long gold chain stap - perfect for phone, lipgloss and cash. Bought by my hubbie in Vegas - he doesn't understand why Gucci is so expensive... whatever THANKS!

SO, look for some unique things that are special.  Vintage things are great - go through your Mom's old stuff (before your sisters do) and grab an old pin or necklace.  I know that being unique is scarry for many of you. You like to be the same as all of your friends so you shop at Cusp or Neiman Marcus or LuLu Lemon so that you can have the same things as all of your friends but don't be afraid people will still like you.

DON'T DO THIS

If you feel a little sad around the holidays - that is normal.  Lots of people feel sad around the holidays so they just drink alot forgetting that alcohol is a depressant so they feel worse so they drink more because of the "hair of the dog" trick (which really works - I found that out one Mother's day when I was under the impression that Mother's day meant get drunker than a MOTHER the night before the Sunday brunch and then try to not throw up at the country club.  Anyway - 3 Bloody Mary's later and this MOTHER felt GREAT again) 

I digress - back to feeling sad in the holidays... many of us have lost loved ones and the memories of these people crop up and we miss them more during the holidays.

So, if you are feeling a little sad DON'T take a bottle of red wine down to your basement and start going through old boxes of pictures and photo albumns because all you will do is spend the DAY down there crying like a baby and get even more behind on all the things you have to do.

2 BEST BUDS:

(My Dad -grandpa Nick- and my son Gray at age 2 - he's 16 now). Miss you Dad.

PARTY WHORES

These are the people who spend their holidays bouncing from party to party.  It is exhausting to be so popular.  If they get invited to 8 parties in one night - by god they will get to all 8.  I have determined that these people are so insecure that they can't possibly miss one.  Maybe they think that people will be talking behind their backs, maybe they want to feel "popular", or maybe they just don't have the social graces to accept one invite and decline the other ones because they already have plans.  But thats a big risk because what if the other parties were more fun????

If you are the first party, the PW's (party whores) will show up right on time (or annoyingly early) and remind you immediately thay can only stay a short time because they have to scoot off to another party because "its my husband's sister's neice's cousin and we really feel like we should be there - so sorry..."  They nervously jump around the party trying to get a word into every guest and letting them know their plight (a few other parties to hit).

If you are the last party, the PW's show up, you are bombed and they are a huge buzz kill. "sorry we're late... where should we put our coat... do you have any water... we brought you a little gift"  Listen assholes I don't know who you are right now - I forgot that you were even coming. SOOOO lets catch up over a coffee so that I can remember the interesting conversation about the other parties that you were at, what they had to eat, who all was there and what they wore but NOT NOW, and I was lip syncing to "don't stop believin'" so join on in and shut the fuck up.

Guess what...I'm tallking behind your back and so is every host of the 8 parties that you attended.  But hey, you are popular so... enjoy that and post a bunch of party pics on your facebook. 

Coming soon to Laura Says...
People who don't RSVP because they are just "not good" at that.  These are the same people who "don't do" thank you notes.  Ironically all of these people grew up in a trailer park.  Coincidence?

Its the THOUGHT that counts

Nothing is worse than getting a crappy gift.  Last year, my Mom gave my daughter a plastic cutting board shaped like a baby bird (check out line at TARGET)  she's 13 what would she use this for when she's making dinner for the family - HA!  No, my Mom is not senile she was just being lazy. 

I got a silver necklace from some unnamed person.  ANYONE who remotely knows me, knows I don't wear silver ever - its a thing for me.   So, on the Thank You note I wrote "thanks for the silver necklace.  As you know I don't wear silver so I returned it."  I also wanted to add "and Thanks for making me take time out of my busy day to go to the store to return the gift that you bought me knowing that I wouldn't like it" 

Here are some of my favorite gifts -I think that you can't really go wrong here:

Cosmetic Bags - you can't have enough and they do get old and yucky

Candles - Voluspa Maison Rouge - Golden Cypress - I have it going in my kitchen everyday

Make up - a pretty lip gloss (Dior has some great neutrals) or Armani black mascara (its amazing)\
Clutch - a neutral clutch is always useful
Wrap or Scarf - pick an interesting color to add to their collection
Coffee Table Book - the story of Gucci or Kelly Wearstler's  HUE is amazing

"Its that THOUGHT that counts" right?  So please do  GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT.

BLACK FRIDAY

If I ever get so (I don't know what word describes this) but if I ever get to the point where I set my alarm to wake up at 1 am to go stand in line outside of some Target store to be the first one in for BLACK FRIDAY
Someone please shoot me because my life must be pretty damn miserable at that point. - WOW

PS
You can also shoot me if I ever get into a line to go into any store at any time of day.  I don't need anything that badly and neither does anyone else.



 

A LITTLE TASTE AT THANKSGIVING

I grew up in a household where you dress for dinner.  You clean up and your clothes match – a little fresh lipstick.  I like that.  We’ve gotten to be a very casual society. Stand outside any Catholic Church and watch what rolls in on a Sunday morning.  I mean really you didn’t even wash (let alone brush) your hair – God Bless You.

So along comes Thanksgiving and I am always annoyed by what people think is appropriate for Thanksgiving dinner. I’m sure my family (on the in-law side of course) think (know) I am a huge bitch when it comes to this.  I’m pretty sure it’s because I walk up to them and say things like “are you wearing jeans and a black biker tank top to the Thanksgiving dinner that we got a printed invitation for? Well don’t worry, I’m sure the other 20 women in nice dresses didn’t notice J”

Also, I’m not a big believer in letting your kids wear whatever they want to a nice dinner for a number of reasons:

1. Who is the boss?

2. I AM THE BOSS

3. You are 5 and you are not going to stomp your feet and get your way because I AM THE BOSS of this and everything else you do until I am finished paying for things.

4. That short skirt and shredded tights makes your 13 year old like a slut.  Yeah maybe she’s not – good luck with that.  The black eyeliner and pierced nose is cute though.

I get that not every Thanksgiving dinner is a big fancy deal so I am suggesting some of my favorite classy looks for all kinds of Thanksgiving get togethers:

EARLY DINNER at the COTTAGE - A family gathering in the “country”

Leggings/ Boots

Oversized sweater

CASUAL THANKSGIVING AT HOME- with friends and family

Skinny Jeans tucked into boots

Blazer or Jacket with a cute tee underneath – scarf of course

FINE CHINA and FINE WINE – a dressier crowd

A great dress topped with a fur vest – layer some vintage necklaces or load on the pearls

Tall boots

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

FINALLY UGGS that AREN'T UG

I've always thought that UGGS are UGLY.  Sorry but the light pink ones (Mel) super UG.  These however are awesome - my new favorite pair of shoes.  These babies can go out at night and are also great for soccer games (which Thank God we don't have to do anymore since my daughter quit for a mere 

$500 cash from me:)      Go get a pair quickly!!!!

NEIMAN MARCUS CATALOG

I'm going to assume that when Neiman Marcus sends out a catalog that weighs more that I do that the purpose is to sell things from the catalog. Not sure if it is...

Here's how it goes every time for me: I get the catalog, i go through it, i find something i want to buy, i get out my ipad and my credit card (i would think the neiman marcus people would be happy to hear this-its going just as they planned it)

Then it all goes wrong - i am at the point where i am going to purchase..."Oh shit they say, what do we do now? Should these things that we paid millions of dollars to put in these catalogs be available to sell? Crap, we don't even have any of this stuff. Maybe the customers will just dog ear the pages that they like and then remember to keep calling back until we do have it. I mean these women can't really be that busy can they?"

So as usual I go to the website and the things in the catalog aren't on the website (surprise) so I call the number in the catalog and they have no idea what I am talking about. Some aren't even sure what Neiman Marcus is (big surprise) I then call my personal shopper who hasn't seen the catalog ( i guess shes not a good customer like i am) but assures me she will
find the item. 2 months later...


By the way,same thing with Lucky Magazine which is supposed to be a shopping magazine. It's called Lucky because that's what you are if you actually find the item that they are telling you to go buy.

COSTUME PARTIES

I really do not like dress up parties primarily because I like to look cute and I want the option to leave a party and go someplace better if its boring.  But when I do have to go, I either don't dress up and say that I have a work thing with my husband afterwards or, I find a way to dress up like a hooker or Amy Winehouse because then I can just wear my normal clothes.

I am going to a fun party tomorrow (I can't say whose it is because then all these freaky insecure women will be upset that they weren't invited) but the theme is BLACKOUT - so you wear all black and funky shoes.  So I will be wearing a kickass new black dress that I have and check out the shoes - love 'em.

A great idea for halloween parties:  just clip some spider pins on some shoes or dangle some from a necklace,  do temporary skull tatoos on your arm and then wear a cute black dress.  All the women in Flintstone costumes will be super pissed at you but just tell them to look in the mirror.

Happy Halloween - I hope you get some great treats.

FALL TREND ALERT

Here's MY take on Fall 2011 and remember just because it's a trend doesn't mean its cute (at all)

TREND #1-the "MIDI" skirt

It’s an A-Line skirt that hits at the most awful part of your calf... I say do a pencil skirt instead

or just stick to dresses - they are soooo easy.

TREND #2-"MAD MEN"

I'm not a fan of the 1960's look for women (or all the house work they had to do back then) but I am a fan of day drinking-so skip the unflattering dress made of a floral curtain and have a martini.

TREND #3-COLOR BLOCKING and MIXING PATTERNS

so a bright pink pair of pants with an orange sweater and a yellow blouse or a stripe skirt with a floral top-that is TRYING WAY TO HARD - like the J Crew catalog - are you really going to wear that many layers? I'd get a cute yellow bag or a great color blocked shoe and call it a day.

TREND #4-FUR

LOVE IT-I can't get enough. I totally get that people don't want real fur because it's mean so get faux fur (those are the same people who are wearing leather shoes and belts-

where did they come from the leather tree?)

TREND #5-LEATHER

LOVE IT MORE-I'm in the process of designing a leather line which should be out of manufacturing as soon as hell freezes over (and you thought that the Northfield Starbucks was SLOW...)

TREND #6-ANIMAL PRINT

What a shock-I've been doing this for 10 years and it’s been a trend every fall (and some Springs too)

so your investment here seems to be safe

(yet way over done)

My LOVES... wide leg trousers, sweater leggings or any leggings-wear them instead of wearing

workout clothes all day (pet peeve), my beloved Jane Tall Cuff boot from FRYE (buying another color this season) and capes-check out my new line of capes –

gotta have one.

I am done with -one shoulder anything, colored denim (don't please unless you are a

Victoria Secret model or if it's Halloween), jeggings (as my daughter's gym teacher calls them "jeanos")

BLACK and BLUE

So my husband comes in from work the other day and I take one look at his outfit and pray that he had a costume party at work that day (Investment Bankers tend to do fun things like that)
No unfortunately they did not and he is sure that I told him that I like black suit pants with a navy blue suit coat!  Now I say a lot of crazy shit when I'm drinking but I would not say that.  Seriously- looks like a near miss to me as if you got dressed in the dark (kind of like when you put your shirt on inside out and do the walk of shame walk home from the fraternity the next morning)

Then it dawns on me that he was listening to me tell a client that I love the black and navy combo on a dress that I sold her.  So the fashionista hubbie decides to do a little magic in his own (shoebox sized) closet and take a black suit and a navy suit and mix and match for some fun new looks!

I do love black and navy together.  Try a black dress with a navy cashmere cardigan - love it.

RV FASHION WEEK

Fashions in the RV camp can vary from extremely ugly to what the fuck are you thinking.  Honestly, just because we are living like animals...

Denim seems to be the "it" thing.  Shorts and capris in the most unflattering lengths - but who cares we're on vacation in an RV - do I really care if I look fat?

My favorite are the "denim warriors" (a term I stole from my friend, Victoria Freda)  This is the person who wears all denim (see pic far left)  denim top and denim pants - its a great look and it matches! And also, men in knee length jean shorts - I may lose it

The shoes are really something.  What did these people do before crocs?  And the COLORS - wow never knew that plastic could be so vibrant.  Top left pic is my foot (you'll notice by my nice french manicure) and thats my new "sandal" with velcro straps - these babies can get wet and are super comfy!  I have not actually worn them and I am hoping that I won't have to.  I saved the receipt so I could return them but that would mean another trip to REI and honestly, I'd rather just keep them to avoid that tree hugging experience again.

Hair in the RV... lots of perms with those big claw clips.  And then there's that short sporty hair that says, I'm an outdoor girl and I can kick your ass with my strappy velcro sandal!

So TODAY Clark has decided that we will go GOLFING.  Picture us pulling up to "the nicest golf course in... " (wherever we are)  in our RV and in our shorts, tees and gym shoes and yes we are going to RENT golf clubs....

SIDE NOTE ABOUT FASHION:
1. I did see ONE girl in a really cute outfit with these cute shoes on (that I actually own) NOW I am so pissed that I didn't bring them because they are perfect and I just didn't think of it.
2. I found an amazing pair of earrings - that I love (seriously) in the KOA trading post (I think "trading post" means "store" in Indian by the way.  I tried to trade my sandals for the earrings but I had to pay so I told them that the name was really misleading and they should change it to store (or boutique to boost their image)

Off to play - FORE!

MT. RUSHMORE

Mt. Rushmore - Check - can we go home now?  Really what could be more exciting than this?

So, here's what people do out here in whatever state we are in.  They drive around (if they are extremely lucky in an RV) Take about 100 pictures in front of the attraction and then race to the gift shop and try to see how many trinkets they can find with their name on it - its exciting!  If you have an unusual name you are screwed (so you get the Mt. Rushmore shot glass) then you have to decide - do I get the mini license plate  - I guess for your Barbie Car or a wooden switch blade that is really a comb??? (If we are really in a  recession - maybe you should buy a pair of shoes or baby food???)

Then everyone hurries to the RV camp to secure their spot.  This one (according to our KOA guide) is the 2nd largest in the nation and has lots to do - I quote " dog walk, stage, basketball, bike shack (not sure if they have bikes?) and here are the biggies - fiddle sticks AND gold panning.  I am definitely bring home some gold!!!  When we pulled in Gray said excitedly this place is Hillbilly Heaven!!!!  And that sums it up.

If you saw RV - remember when the family was avoiding the other families who were trying to make friends with them?  Thats us.  Clark and I kept to ourselves at our picnic table (with no cute plastic table cloth) fixed our plate of crackers and cheese and wine that I made him drive 20 miles for (all they had here at the RV "Trading Post" is the"local wine" - which is????? made of????? by whom?????

Today - its Crazy horse and some bear park - just when I thought I'd seen it all...

Next blog I will reporting on RV FASHION WEEK - stay tuned for some interesting looks.

THE MORNING AFTER

So 2 ambien, 2 bottles of wine, 2 ear plugs - still did not drown out the 12 hours of beating rain on the flimsy tin roof 4 feet above my ears.

Up at 7 - I went down to the creek to fetch some water, the chillens are still asleep, the neighbors are up and at em with an ice cold PBR and a pack of marlboro reds, and clark is wandering aRound with his blackberry trying to get reception for his conference call!

Thinking about a shower and deciding on using our own luxe 1 x 1 shower or following my neighbors down to the community shower which boasts to be one of the cleanest of all koa showers in these parts! I'm a bit intimidated because they all seem to have a routine and are carrying shower caddies. I have my Christian Dior robe and my Terry cloth cosmetic pouch
So many movies come to mind... City slickers...

DAY NUMBER ONE

Landed in rapid city south Dakota and picked up the RV. Was told by Clark that our first stop would be Wall Drug. any place that has the word drug in it has to be good.

Well then - no drugs not sure what the place is all about other than about 12 gift shops full of Western type trinkets and key chains and lots of other things with your name on it.

Went through the bad lands and what not and then off to the koa campsite ( we are now members). Kind of thought we'd " check in" " clean up" And head off to some cute little western "restaurant" for some " dinner"

Ummmmmmm said the koa lady - you are in the middle of nowhere - there are no restaurants or grocery stores. Okee dokee then " thankfully" the koa store has everything we need - hotdogs, buns and ketchup. No BOOZE! So I will have to make do (for tonight) with the 3 bottles I picked up at Wall Drug!

Making our "beds" now And then off to my ambien enduced sleep.

More tomorrow

MY SUMMER TRIP TO HELL

It's finally here. The day we leave for the long dreaded family summer vacation in and RV! Help me.

Packing was fun. Valium- check, wine - check, ulgly sandals and hiking boots - check check. I shopped at REI good god.

Well we are in the Red carpet club at O'Hare with cowboy hats in hand - this may be my last Starbucks for 10 days.

Have fun following my blog. I am typing from my iPad and will probably be drunk most of the time so forgive my spelling errors and typos. Also this blog is R rated at best so if you have children near by - ear muffs