COUNTRY and WESTERN

I am really having a problem with my family turning on me.  They like COUNTRY AND WESTERN - we had to watch Blake Shelton's Christmas Special last week - even the entire bottle of wine I drank couldn't drown out the TWANGY Southern accents ruining Christmas Classics! Guests included that "REBA" who is why I hate country music to begin with.

Rule number 1 - Don't try to match your red hair to your red dress because your hair isn't red its Ronald McDonald orange.

I think what bugs me most is not the repetitive and BORING lyrics about beer, dogs, Jack Daniels, Jesus, God, pick up trucks and red solo cups but its the outfits (see above - what the fuck is that), the hair and the makeup (see below) is that some sort of scary doll that always looks the same? Seriously Google Carrie Underwood (if you just start typing C - her name comes up) then click on images and look at the pictures of her - they are ALL THE SAME.

I really like my good old fashioned rock and roll where you really can't understand the lyrics so you just scream something similar out and the MALE rockers are the only ones with great HAIR!

I do love Cowboy boots (well and and Cowboys for that matter)  If you want to give someone a GREAT Christmas gift - Alcala's in the city - great selection of very cool and unique cowboy boots.  Don't browse around - just head straight to the boots - its one of those places where you could find yourself getting into it and thinking... "this turquoise bolo tie is kind of cool -  I'd wear this right? "



ROCK ON!

Are we going to have to go through 9 months of daily nonsense regarding Kate Middleton's pregnancy? I'm having morning sickness watching this BORING news!

VANITY PLATES

So, I'm not a fan of vanity plates because they are SO DUM.  I am also not a fan of plastering your car with magnetic stickers that tell people about you (or your super duper athletic kids).  People say that they put the soccer club sticker on their car to support the club....  okay then why do you have 3 of the same sticker????  Oh because you have 3 kids on the super all star soccer team!   U ROCK X 3

Back to vanity plates - tonight I saw the most (and first) hilarious license plate - it was on a minivan and it says  "WE CAVED" - I laughed for an hour.   If anyone knows these people, have them call me for a free drink (without the little people who ride in the minivan)

Personalizing things I can be great!  I love giving people monogrammed items for gifts - its always a big hit.  Last year I gave my husband a cute beer glass that says douchebag on it - he loves it - he uses it all the time and when I look at him drinking out of it I just think... YUP.

This Christmas I am giving my in-laws big monogrammed canvas totes from Land's End filled with gifts for the kids.  Totes and cosmetic bags always need replacing so its a nice personal gift.   Get them ordered now - they take a little longer!

Blogging from the Bulls game and can I say 3 words about the Luvables (the "cheerleaders"). WHITE TRASH DISTRACTION - wow

THE OSCARS

I'm not a big fan of "ball gowns" which is what most people think they have to wear to the Oscars. I am pretty sure that most of them are blackmailed into wearing what they are wearing because why in the world else?
And also, these "stylists" need some major styling themselves. I think I am going to start a new business where I style the stylists that style the stars.  The stylist who dressed Melissa McCarthy should be SHOT... "um, okay so I have a full figured girl and I know that a black v-neck is very slenderizing but I think this time we'll go with the Miss Piggy PINK dress that matches her skin perfectly with a high jeweled neck to give her no shape at all - and lets throw in a belt that solve everything! WOW. 

  

Here is what I love...
1. Cameron Diaz - her hair is kick ass - considering it for myself.  We'll see if I get the courage up.
2. Gweneth - this dress is amazing and classy and if I could own it, I would.  Considering the knock off.




Thank God we don't have to worry about what to wear to the OSCARS!  What a drag.

Coming soon...
Why Freshmen girls go to a School Dance looking like a...

STAND BY YOUR MAN

As long as he is not dressed like a complete idiot, I will stand by him.  If he wears baggy Levi's with gym shoes and a lumberjack shirt than I feel I have every right to walk way behind him (at the airport) and pretend that I don't know him (when he is talking to me in line.) 

For Valentine's Day, go though your man's closet and HELP him (Or hire me and I'll do the dirty deed for you)  Here are some tips for guys:

1. Baggy legged jeans are a big NO NO.  You look like a fat little man.  Straight leg are the best and most flattering.  I like Seven For All Mankind ("Sevens")
2. Men in black (not men in BROWN) not a fan of men in autumn colors - really unsophisticated and reminds me of some old sales guys I used to work in the western suburbs.
3. Gym shoes are for the gym.  Thats a good rule for everyone.  This includes the metro "sneakers" great if you are Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise but otherwise avoid.  I like a casual loafer - same comfort - better look.
4. Pleated trousers....  try a flat front trouser - very streamlined and flattering.
5. Sports jerseys - seriously that is creepy unless you are an actual football player then bring it on and come to mama!
6. The pinstripe suit.  Great for PIMPS and THE JOKER but they are cheesy and I really don't care if you had it custom made.  And lets talk for a moment about the loser guys who have to tell me about their custom suits (and you won't let your wife get her nails done you big cheap ass). Custom suits are for men with special needs (like they are 7' tall or they have an extremely small penis)

LOVES
Football Sunday - Jeans & thermal henley tucked out, leather or suede jacket.
Saturday Night - Dark jeans, a great print shirt, black cashmere blazer
Work - Gray suit, blue shirt, fun tie with blues and purples, black alligator belt
Formal - Black suit, white shirt, sophisticated tie with grays and blacks - or a tux - yummy!

Last 2 tips:
Simplify.  I love a guy in a crisp white shirt, black cashmere blazer, straight jeans and a sharp black loafer.
Shower. It takes 3 minutes- just do it.

PS
And Girls the shower thing applies to you too.  No guy wants to come home at 7 from working all day (with hot young co-workers) to a woman who spent the whole day in sweats and still hasn't showered.

Some people need a stylist.... Meryl Streep - shit you are really wearing a walgreen hair claw clip thing? Thats really something

As usual nicole kidman looks awful and dumb!

So far my favorite is Kate Winslet and now forget her - Heidi Klum wins... So far

SAY NOOOO to the mermaid dress - seriously - it is so ridiculous looking!

Brad pitts hair - as bad as mine! And mine is real bad. And as a reminder ANGELINA - white shows lumps even when you are skinny!

Watching the Golden Globes ,,, I'm tweeting my thoughts to my blog stay tuned. Lots of light pink on very fair skin...

GO TO ELLE

Okay so here is Elle McBITCH in People Magazine. The article is titled "She Used To Look So Hot Way Back Then But Now She is 47 So We Had To Pull Out These OLD PHOTOS Of When She Was 20!"

I'm kidding, she really is 47 which is older than me so thank you for taking away that excuse ELLE!

I'm going to go for a long RUN now like for days and I am going to cry while running and then I'm going to down a bottle of wine or 2.  I hate you but you do look really friendly and HOT so maybe I'll trying to be more friendly.   I really am HAPPY for HER - good job of looking so good - WOW that's amazing.  Cheers to you ELLE and Happy New Year.  What's your resolution?  Not to look so HOT? 

I'm going to paste this picture to my bathroom mirror to remind me...to smile even when I'm running
(the 100 mile run that I just signed up for)

Just heard some news that YOGA is bad for some people. Yeah you think? Falling asleep while "working out" can be dangerous - big surprise.

WORKOUT WEAR

I know that this is that time of year when everyone decides that they need to start (or increase) working out.  New Years resolutions... blah blah blah.  So they rush over to Lululemon and stock up on all of their uncomfortable workout gear so that they look good in the "gym". I went into lululemon once and had a great workout (in the fitting room  - not in their freaky yoga class held in the middle of the store)

Let me say a few things about this experience. I'm a size 2 or a 4 - I don't get hung up on sizes - I'll wear a large in anything if I love it.  So, I grab a 4 pant, a 4 tank thing with a built in bra (which I don't need) and a jacket.  By the time I walked out of there, I bought a SIZE 8 pant (which I never wear because they are too tight and give me a camel toe!) I didn't get the tank (because I got stuck in it and may have even ripped it) or matching "jacket" (because jackets are supposed to go over something and this thing aint going over anything including my double a's)

So, a couple of take aways here:
1. Why does any store size their workout clothes in 0,2,4,6, etc what the fuck is that all about? Its spandex can't you just be like a small, medium or large?
2. Aren't workout clothes supposed to be comfortable?  I love the women who say they love this shit because its so comfortable.  LIARS - they love it because everyone else loves it and they bought into the hype and now they have to say how comfy it is.  In my pilates class, we've got half the class in the tangerine short sleeve and the other in the blue tank thing (BARF) and I'm proudly in the front with my whatever pants and a Harley tank.

Here's what I like
1. Find some great workout clothes and who cares if they are Russell sweats  (GASP now)
2. Any tank or tee can be used for a workout (I know can you believe this) I wear an old graphic tees
3. I love to take sweaters that I don't love anymore and "repurpose" (that trendy word that Nate Berkus uses way to much) and waer it over your work out clothes - then you can run errands after and not look like a loser in your workout clothes ALL DAY LONG.

Oddly, I have the worst and oldest workout gear in the world (and I do workout daily) but people always comment on my outfit.  HELLOOOO its not that they are "cute workout clothes", its just that they are different.

P.S.
As a sidebar, I can't stand  people who have to have all the right "gear" for every physical activity.  They have their gym shoes custom-made to their "special" feet. NO ONE I know is that big of an athlete that the  "gear" makes any difference and it makes them look ridiculous.  Just whip on something that you already own and go for a run outside.  Enjoy a FREE workout.

BEER DRINKING FOR THE NEW YEAR

Soooo, in my last post I told you that I was going to start drinking beer in the new year.  See, I drink alot and I have decided that all those calories aren't great for the bod so I had the brilliant idea of switching from my caloric red wine to light beer.

Upon further research
1. Drink 8 Becks Lights (64 calories - wow!)
2. Have no buzz at all and feel bloated
3. Google alcohol content in light beer and find out that its 2.8% alcohol

2.8 % - SHIT thats LESS alcohol than you get when you go to Utah and have to put up with all of their freaky Mormon alcohol rules (you can have multiple wives because you will need them on our own planet someday but alcohol is bad)  REALLY, the person making up those rules was clearly smoked!

SO, the finding is sure its less calories but not when you have to drink a 12 pack to get to that happy place.  And why would you drink that yeast invested liquid unless it had some fun result?

Gotta run and grab a glass of cab... Cheers!